Reminder From The Past

Something's come up... something that has reminded me so much of the past that it hurts me to my core.

I've been reminded of what I went through from February 2008 to January 2010 (and sometimes even today) with Katarina's father.  I put up with so much that is scares me that I was one of those people.  You know one, you might have been one.  You know, the girl that's in an awful relationship and knows it, but can't seem to get out.  The difference with me is that I got pregnant.  The blessing behind it all... the most amazing baby girl!

Because I know there are so many people out there that have had it rough, I'll share a little of this horrible past that I've been reminded of.  Maybe sharing it will make me feel a little better.

I knew he was bad for me.  I would realize it and call it off and next thing you know, he would be back in my life.  Asking me to dinner, telling me sweet things, taking me on family vacations and functions, and us making several weekend getaways - including a trip to New Orleans.

Within a week of our return from NOLA, I was pregnant.  I found out right after Thanksgiving and he immediately turned cold.  He told me it was my choice and I knew I wanted her, but he didn't really mean it and very quickly later he would constantly ask me to have an abortion.  I refused and I'm so happy I did.

He then proceeded to never be supportive.  He'd say he would call or show up and I wouldn't hear from him for weeks.  Remember, we still live in the same building, so this was very strange to me (we still live in the same building).  Turns out, he was hooking up with several women, including someone I knew.
This tortured me.  I had my gut feelings about it and he denied it every time I asked him about it.  I would get a phone call from his family members telling me him and another showed up at their house and when I asked him about what was going on, he'd say nothing, but I knew it.  My gut knew it.  My gut is rarely wrong.

I was still staying at his house occasionally and one day while he was in the shower, I looked at his text messages.  Yup, I invaded his privacy - I know I shouldn't have, but I did and couldn't believe what I found.  Text messages that I will never forget between him and several other women.  I immediately confronted him and he denied they meant anything and they were all "jokes."  If you saw these messages, you'd know he was lying through his teeth.

I cried a lot while I was pregnant.  He would tell me all the time how much he didn't want anything to do with our sweet girl on the way and then he would tell me how much he couldn't wait for her arrival.  It was a roller coaster I wish upon not even my worst enemy.  I would cry on my way to work and my way home and some times in my office.  I had so many broken promises from him and I was treated so poorly.  This post doesn't even begin to explain what I went through - not even close. 

The stress he caused me during my pregnancy ultimately put too much stress on poor Katarina.  I was given some medication that typically you can't have while pregnant but the doctor determine the medicine would do less harm than the stress I was putting on her (which could have caused a number of birth defects).  She would have to go through withdrawal once she was born and I hoped that's all.  Luckily, it appears she's just perfect!

He was in the delivery room and went on the birth certificate.  Within 4 days, he left the state with another woman and I didn't hear from him for over a month.  When he finally called to see how Katarina was doing, he told me he wanted to live together and be together.  Then the roller coaster continued and with a flip of a switch, he changed his mind and wanted nothing to do with either one of us. 

When he threatened to physically hurt me, that was it.  I changed my phone number and rarely heard from him again.  He repeatedly told me how much he wanted nothing to do with Katarina and as much as it hurt me and her, I knew deep down he was doing me the greatest favor he ever could. 

My sister, who is my best friend in the whole world (no seriously, we can read each other's minds and I can tell her EVERYTHING) is so amazing and wonderful that she helped me through all these times.  I love her very much and she's such a great Auntie O - even if she won't change dirty diapers.  I love you, and I know you love me too even though you might not say it.

I want to thank my amazing family and friends for their love and support through all of this!  I love you all very much!  And much love to Joanna who has become such a great friend and is incredibly supportive.  You are truly spectacular!

No post would be complete without some pictures of my beautiful little girl... so here's a little bit of our Christmas in Nashville, TN!